HEALTHY COUPLE AND SEXUAL WELL-BEING
Our whole lives being are surrounded by messages that gives us the solution for everyhting, without having to make the slighltest effort: how to lose weight, how to be happy, how to be the best in bed, how not to age, how to find the perfect match, ect…
Unfortately, life isn’t like that. I’m sorry to ruin Mr Wonderful’s business and your existence, but life isn’t about happy sentences that help us find what we are looking for.
If you hear people talking about the perfect couple, run away. Let’s be honest, finding a partner is a thing, but keeping the relationship healthy is another.
Love is just a wonderful and amazing “feeling”. It makes see the world in a colourful way: rainbows, unicorns and glitter. But it is just a feeling. Love doesn’t get up and resolve your issues. In order to build love, to grow it, we need a solid base.
Although there are no tricks, there are some things we can do to make our relationship positive, healthy and mature. But first we have to be aware: You have to get going!
Forget about fairytale love, Knights saving their princesses (or others KNIGHTS) and killing dragons.
Life isn’t a fairytale, although it can seem like it. You don’t have to save anyone or be saved by anyone. Falling in love is the first step of the relationship. You do everything together because you can’t be without eachother. You are both the perfect match and the sex is the best you’ve ever had. Based on psychology, we say that it lasts between six months and a year, ups and downs.
When it’s over, we usually have the feeling of loss, of no longer loving me, of yesterday you wrote me 33 Whatsapp messages and today you only sent 29. You should start building your love from the idea of thinking of what your couple is and how she/he is. Because love is a choice. You have chosen that person, for what she/he is, and for being who she/he is.
SHOw your romantic side.
After falling in love, due to the inertia that we went through during the first few months, we believe that the hard part is done, and that we can accommodate ourselves. But no, we have to water the relationship, water the love a lot, butttt without actually drowning it, and the amount of water has to be measured by the two of us. And from time to time we can surprise them and let them surprise us, take some initiatives. Basically to give a spark to what is being built.
Us men have what is known as “informative communication”. That is to say: “Headlines: I love you”. I told you six months ago and I think that this will help you, because of course I have already told you. And no. We all like to be told that they love us, that they hug us, that they talk to us. That they show us that they trust us, and that we trust them. And there is no better way to do it than by talking, communicating and expressing how we are, what we feel, what we need, and what we can offer. This is one of the basic pillars of “diverse masculinities”.
Stop believing that you’re going to become a “yes man” for…
Exactly everyhting that makes you feel less of a “man”. Building a healthy relationship starts, between things, with the distribution of tasks and responsibilities. Whether there’s children, coexistence, personal attachments and family burdens, etc.. A healthy couple is a team, and being a team means taking care of the other person. You have the power. This is complicated, as it requires large doses of generosity, dialogue, negotiation and acceptance.
On numerous occasions, daily life and routines leave us with no time or space to take care of our partner. That is why it is important that the time we spend with him or her is of quality. Quality is not always having to do things together, or have the best plans, or the best sex, or the best dinners and trips. Sometimes a movie, a walk, a conversation, or a silence is enough. And all this is something that is also chosen.
However, not wanting to spend time with your partner because you are married, having other plans with your colleagues, needing space for yourself or being alone, is not wanting less, is wanting better. Those spaces are necessary, on both sides, so that the meetings and times together are even better quality.
Sex and porn are not the same.
It’s much more than that. And sometimes with time we forget that sex requires time and desire, and that you have to dedicate it to it. Often those desires are not there, because desire fluctuates with age, worries, stress, food, climate, moods, etc..
Sex is playing learning, it’s innovating. We worry too much about objectives, not being like Nacho Vidal or Jordi “El niño polla”, Colby Keller or Paddy O’Brien. And we forget about ourselves and the person next to us. We are more focused on what we are not. There are things that are not going to change, but they can improve. And that’s where sex therapy, erotic toys, changing routine and innovation come in – like MYHIXEL, which helps you control your ejaculation by knowing your body better.
Discover together with your partner all your possibilities, knowing better your tastes, body and desires. And of course, talk about it all. Remember that communication is, without a doubt, a fundamental pillar to build a healthy couple relationship and an exciting and pleasant sexual life.
As I said at the beginning, for each of the points above to become a pillar of the relationship we are building, we need a solid foundation. But that solid base does not have much to do with the couple itself, but with the people who compose it.
There are three: respect, patience and humility. In love, in communication, in sex, in living together. And this is not something easy to achieve. It is a personal work that must be brought home and that requires time and effort. But it gives me the tools to build a healthy, positive, strong relationship based on care.
What about you, are you ready to take care of your relationship?
Psicólogo, sexólogo y terapeuta de parejas. Especializado en masculinidades diversas y diversidad afectivo-sexual, y experto en género y sus violencias. Formador y comunicador. Colaborador en radio y televisión.